tell your sister to shave her snatch
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
