So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
