the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
