I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
