Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I think your dad took our porno
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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