Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
