I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
