At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
