i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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