guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
