Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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