Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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