Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
