i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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