I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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