Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
