Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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