Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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