you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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