Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
