Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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