This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Church boner. Awkwardddd
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
