Moan for me like Helen Keller
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
