why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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