dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
