So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
