she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Randomize
