I need help removing her.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
