Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
