Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
