she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
