tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
