On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
