If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
