Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
