I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
did you just send me my own nude
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
