haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
