I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
