R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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