there's paper in my vomit.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
