That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
