Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize