she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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