My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
