Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i was born a porn star she said
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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