Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Less talking, more tequila
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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