I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
