Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
