I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
