so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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