I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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