I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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