True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
