wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
