help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
