Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
