No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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