I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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