You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
