pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
