Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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